Anger Management

My friend Michelle and I had a play date with our kids yesterday. We thought it would be good to write about an incident that occurred at her home, from both of our perspectives. At first I was too embarrassed to ask her to write "her side" but decided in the end it may encourage others. It's a long post, but hopefully worth the read. You can also access her blog at http://www.as4me.net/

My side:
Yesterday we had a play date with my dear friend Michelle and her kids. The kids are all at an age where they play-for the most part- happily together and we can sit with a cup of tea and chat. It’s always refreshing for my soul. It’s also a safe place for me to teach and train my three girls( ages 4, 2 ½ and 1) how to get along with others and not feel judged if my girls act bad. Yesterday, my oldest child, Ella Grace had a fit like I have ever seen before. It was so awful and one of those kinds where nothing worked to stop it. I was so embarrassed. Humiliated. Pride began to creep in. So I left. And I cried.

On the way home, here is what I was thinking: I began dwelling on lies and not God’s truth.

“I’m the worst mom there is. No one else’s kids do that, or do it THAT BAD. I should have a better plan of how to handle this. Where did I go wrong? How can I change her? How can such a sweet little one have such a fierce temper? We should be past this. I’m never going back over there again.”

But I know better and I immediately put those thoughts to death and started to praise Him for my child and for an opportunity to draw near to Him through this trial. Then, I got home and put her to bed and did the only thing I knew would give me answers.

I cried out to the Lord.

I called on Your name, O Lord, out of the lowest pit. You have heard my voice, “Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, from my cry for help.” You drew near when I called on You: You said, “Do not fear!” Lamentations 3:55-57

I begged Him for wisdom in how and what to do. I prayed for Him to touch her heart in a way that drew her to Him. I confessed that I have been trying to “fix” her heart, forgetting HE is THE ONLY ONE Who can. Too often, I rely on a formula or a method to give me the answer on how to make my children obey. What I know to be true, yet what I had forgotten in the moment of this horrendous tantrum, is that God gave me THIS CHILD TO MAKE ME MORE LIKE HIM. He wants me to seek Him for her life, for how to deal with her fits. Not only did He give her to me, He gave ME to her to make HER more like Him. He matched us up so we would BOTH grow in Christ. Too often I compare my children and measure their growth based on how other kids are doing/growing. I do that with myself as well. That is not what God intends. He wants us to grow in the ways He desires for us, personally.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, so that we would walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

I pleaded with the Lord to show me His formula and tactics that will work to deal with these heart issues in my own child. I realize how easy it is to rely on our own strength or what someone else thinks I should or even what they would do. How desperate the Lord is for us to run to Him for the answers for our specific struggles. He will give clear direction.

“The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.”The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. Lamentations 3:24-25

Michelle sent me an email that encouraged me greatly. I want to share a piece of it.

I'm sorry you had trouble. I don't think it was very restful for you to be here... :) But... hang in there, and keep coming over.
You're the right mom for those girls. I've been thinking this verse a lot...
It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter. Proverbs 25:2
For whatever reason, God has concealed the next step. Keep seeking him passionately. God will show you what to do when the time is right.

We ALL need each other. We need to be able to share our struggles. We need to be able to pray for one another. Truth be told, I want to appear that I have it all together. Ohhhhh, I am far from that. We all are. We all need Jesus.

I am thankful for those who encourage me in the Lord and love me and my children despite our weaknesses. I want to encourage other moms not to run and hide when her child is naughty. I want to be transparent in my own struggles in raising my children so I can pray for others and tell of the Lord’s work in my life.. because anything good is not of or from me. It’s all God’s doing. Oh, how I need Jesus.

Her side:

Today my dear friend Kelly came over. She has three daughters who are delightful. Her oldest is passionate and intense, and the most spiritually sensitive child I have ever seen. She also has a temper. Kelly and I have talked about discipline and parenting as long as we've known each other. I know Kelly's heart is to search the Lord (with the same passion as Ella Grace) and his Word, and she's a fantastic mom.
Today, Ella Grace thew a major fit, a throw yourself on the floor kind of fit. You could hear her screaming from all ends of the house. We cut the visit short, packed some sandwiches for the trip home, and Kelly brought her girls one by one to the car. Ella Grace begged to stay, told her mom that she was ready to obey, but Kelly simply told her that it was too late to change the consequences of her actions.
In the quiet, before my children and I ate, we prayed for Ella Grace. I prayed that God would help Ella Grace obey and choose to do right. I prayed for Mrs. Fleming to have wisdom as she helped Ella Grace. And I prayed for us, that we would have the humility to recognize that we struggle with anger, too. I explained that throwing a fit is bad, but so is holding a grudge, so is taking revenge "quietly."
I want them to understand some things.
• First, that we pray for our friends.
• Second, that we all struggle to do right. I don't want them pridefully thinking about others failures without soberly examining their own lives. Come to think of it, I probably should have talked about the gospel and what it means in terms of sin, but I didn't. Maybe we'll talk about that soon.
• Third, that outward sins are sometimes shocking, but inward sins are just as bad. Again, I don't want them to get into the comparing trap.
• Fourth, as I told Kelly, I don't have advice to give her. They're not my children, and I truly don't have the answers for her, but I believe God does. He's promised to guide her, and I believe that He will, as she passionately seeks Him. I've seen too often mothers frustrated, but not willing to spend time in God's Word. That's convicting to me, and I need to practice what I preach. I need humility too, because my kids will probably be the next ones embarrassing me. I need to remember that well-behaved children are not the same as regenerate children.
When all is said and done, we all will look back and say that anything good in our children's lives comes as a result of God's mercy and grace, not our might and strength. Now, go read Kelly's perspective of the day here at her blog.