Miscarriage

I've wanted to write about my miscarriage for awhile now, but it's never been the right moment. I actually wrote this in my journal the day before surgery becuase I wanted these thoughts fresh in my mind but also because I wanted to always remember the vivid things God showed me and challenged me with as I was walking through those dark hours. I know I will always remember the day but most importanty I want to never forget the deep love poured out upon me straight from the Lord's hand. I want to remember that I drew from His Living Water in the moment... He was so near to me in a great time of need, as He is to us all. I believe I have a more deeper intimacy with Him becuase of my miscarriage and find myself overwhelmingly thankful that He allowed me to walk this with Him.

July 16, 2009

I've wanted to write about my miscarriage for awhile now, but it's never been the right moment. I actually wrote this in my journal the day before surgery because I wanted these thoughts fresh in my mind but also because I wanted to always remember the vivid things God showed me and challenged me with as I was walking through those dark hours. I know I will always remember the day but most importantly I want to never forget the deep love poured out upon me straight from the Lord's hand. I want to remember that I drew from His Living Water in the moment... He was so near to me in a great time of need, as He is to us all. I believe I have a more deeper intimacy with Him because of my miscarriage and find myself overwhelmingly thankful that He allowed me to walk this with Him. Here are my thoughts as I poured it all out to my Comforter. I didn't "hear" Him loudly in my ears, only in my heart.

July 16, 2009

Lord, it’s early morning before the D and C of our little one. I have lost track of days being on vacation but this day I will remember forever. I want to get these thoughts written down because I don’t want to miss a thing You want me to learn through this pain of losing a baby.
The truth is, for the past few months I have been “spiritually flat” for lack of a better word. I have been asking You for a way out of this place. Never would I have guessed it would be through a miscarriage. While I know that You are ALWAYS the answer for anything I ever go through, my heart has not gotten that truth totally until June 14, 2009, the day we learned of the miscarriage. Through this death, it seems You have brought life to this flatness. I never want to go back to that place again. Please keep me growing and moving more towards You, Lord.
My emotions are up and down and not trustworthy in the least, yet You are my only constant and continuing hope every moment. So in this very moment, I am choosing to trust You totally and accept with joy- in the midst of my deep sadness--- that You are alive and active in my life, doing the most wonderful, beautiful work of Jesus—even if it does not make sense. I. Choose. Your. Way.
Every tear I shed reminds me of Your Son. I can’t even begin to imagine how You felt giving Him up and letting Him go. But thank You that You did, so I can have Your tender mercies and grace through this time and all the other roads ahead in my life.
So much of these weeks in this flat, dry and complacent time, I have forgotten how mighty and awesome You are. You are GOD! You are MY SAVIOR! I am sorry for looking to the circumstances of my life, all which are constantly fleeting and not reliable, rather than looking to You, my Treasure. My Inheritance.

When I was in the ultrasound room and I began to sense something was not right with the baby, I suddenly realized how “pinched up” I was and how my fists were clinched so tightly. I then realized that I was holding on.. not letting go, so I did. I prayed, “O God, if losing this baby will draw me nearer to You in every way, I say yes. So be it, Lord." And in the quiet darkness, not alone, because You were holding my unclenched fist, we walked together. Your peace came over me in the sweetest way. A way I’d never experienced. I knew that You were going to revive me, renew me, and restore to me the joy of walking with You again, every step. Give me continued hope, unity, and a newness in my pursuit after You.

I’m still processing it all, Lord. Be my emotions in this.

I can remember asking the ultrasound technician how the baby looked.
Not a word. Dead silence. One raised eyebrow. Deep Darkness.

Except that one tiny light over me shining in my eyes. “I’m Your Light. Now follow Me through this darkness. Now you go shine My Light.”


How Lord? I am so sad. So fragile.

Start with your family. The ones you love so deeply. I’ll meet you at every turn.

Lord, how sweet of You to orchestrate this death with the people I love the most. Thank You for allowing me to be surrounded by such deep love.
Thank You Lord for showing Yourself mighty and in a mighty, tender and loving way.
I know that my loss is Your gain for Your glory. Thank You.

Kelly, will you lay down your life for My sake?
Yes Lord.
Will you empty yourself totally, not holding on to anything?
Yes, Lord.
Will you let go?
Yes, Lord. Not my will but Yours be done.

Pour out Your love, Lord. Keep me drinking deeply from Your living water. You are what satisfies this weary, parched soul.